Name us to Colbert’s presidential exploratory committee

Mr. Colbert,

I was going to call this an open letter, but it’s not. It’s a direct plea to you to name my colleague and me to your presidential exploratory committee.

It’s simple. You’re super. We’re just as super. We are disciples of your ideology. You will be a devotee of my homemade chocolate cakes. (See MAD Baking for photos.)

Let’s be clear: Jessica and I are not unemployed smucks who are looking for free peanut butter and jelly sandwiches we hear you provide to your indentured servants. We have jobs, and we use your creative work product to avoid doing them. At times, we have been so dedicated to making a better tomorrow, tomorrow, that we have put it off until the next week.

Miss Jessica is working toward her Ph.D. in political communication. She uses that talking black box to spread your words to the hundreds of impressionable students in her course. I champion the First Amendment by talking about gateway theory – which, despite its name, does not actually involve smoking pot.

We would give up all this and our substantial grad student salaries to help you become the next President of South Carolina. Please note we have already secured voters in Ireland. If you act now, we would also use our talent and ability to purchase white smoke to get you elected Pope.

Together, we have extensive skills in research, persuasive speech, and international affairs (specifically, Canada). But, we know that’s not really what you care about. You want to hear the three rules for winning the Republican presidential nomination. So, here they are:

Squirrel!

Sincerely,
Megan and Jessica